Confused
by Ioanne
Summary: KL. Kara wonders why every move she makes feels like a wrong one. Kara’s POV, starts from the end of season 1, spoilers through seasons 1 & 2, everything that has happened is game. The epilogue is up. THANK YOU ALL FOR READING
1. Chapter 1

**Confused**

by Ioanne

_Pairing: Kara / Lee_

_Summary: Kara wonders why every move she makes feels like a wrong one until she realises that every move based on denial is bound to fail. Admit it, embrace it and act on it. He's the one._

_A/N: Kara's POV, spoilers through seasons 1 & 2, everything that has happened is game. Feedback is lovely, thank you._

**Chapter 1: Leaving**

I was so confused when I left. I felt angry. And betrayed. But most of all I was sad. Sad because I knew I had lost Lee and deep down I knew I had done it all in purpose. I knew I never should've fallen in love with Lee in the first place but what was I supposed to do? The feeling had hit me so hard and so from behind the corner that I was powerless. First we were friends for a very long time and then suddenly I loved him. Just like that. Or at least it felt like it had happened just like that. Like one minute everything was just normal and the next everything I knew had vanished and life had turned upside down. I had no time to build up any walls to protect me and my love for his brother. I was doomed from the very first moment and that's what destroyed us all.

Zak never knew, or at least I hope from the bottom of my heart that he didn't. Had he lived I would've made my damnest best to make him happy and give him the kind of wife he deserved. It would've killed that part of me that knew what love beyond reason felt like but I could've lived with that loss. Lee never would've let himself feel anything but brotherly love towards his brother's wife so the only one hurting would've been me. And that would've been more than okay to me if that way I could've made sure that both the men I loved more than life were happy.

Life just very seldom goes the way you want it to go. Zak died and all the hell broke lose in the family I had started to consider as my own. Everybody had lost everybody and although I ended up getting the best deal and with the eldest Adama, without Zak or Lee in my life I still felt devastatingly alone.

Until everybody again lost everybody, and this time I mean really EVERYBODY, and I again ended up getting the best deal with getting Lee back to my life. How weird is that anyway, I just ask? This time though I had no idea how to keep my feelings in control when there was actually nothing, except very powerful ghosts and the fact that a pilots life is a cheap commodity in this war, in the way. I tried. Lords, I tried. And failed miserably.

My final undoing was the grief and guilt in Lee's eyes when we lost those pilots in that frakken stupid hangar bay accident. They were my friends but they were Lee's responsibility and he felt it to be so unfair that they had survived the brutal first attack and then the excruciating chase when we could get no sleep for days and then that totally unnecessary and freak accident had to happen. The worst was that he hadn't even had the time to get to know those pilots so he felt that he had failed them in that part too. After what had happened with the Olympic Carrier Lee had been able to keep his emotions mostly in check but that combined with this he felt stricken and overwhelmed and seeing that made me realise that if he ever would start having stronger feelings towards me I would not be able to resist him. When he felt, he felt strongly.

So I fought with him and challenged him to make sure he would never fall in love with me and I watched him very closely for any warning signs. First there had been nothing, even after my miraculous return from certain death, so I felt relief. And also some sorrow because no matter how hard you DON'T want it to happen it's never easy to realise that the object of your affection does not return those same feelings. Resulting from this I started to gradually feel easier around him and eventually we felt easy enough around each other to laugh and kid around, among the fighting. The way we had been before everything had started to fall apart. Before I realised that I felt more at home with Lee than I did with his brother. So now we were laughing again and stupid as I am I let my guard down a notch and it didn't take long for things to get screwed up again.

I started to notice some small things. So small actually that for a long time I thought they were only in my head. Lee looking at me a little bit longer than necessary, standing a little bit too close, timing his visits to the gym so we would be there together and preferably alone. Little things. Oh, the fighting continued but I noticed that he started to like our little confrontations a little too much and when we were kidding around he made the kind of not so innocent insinuations that I had heard him use on the girls he had had some interest on in the academy. I got seriously worried but still I couldn't put a total stop to it. I admit it, I enjoyed it too much. I thought that maybe I could still keep it under control and keep at least this distance between us.

My illusion lasted till the Colonial day. I refused to get alarmed by the way Lee looked at me when he arrived to the ballroom but when we danced and he squeezed me tighter in his arms and I felt myself wanting to just rest my head against his shoulder and stay there forever bodies closely together, I knew I had to do something drastic to keep what was most likely going to happen very soon from happening. I was not ready to betray Zak this way. I had to hurt Lee.

Well, like life, that did not go exactly as planned either and from the repercussions of that idiotic drastic move I made I am now stranded here on Caprica, beaten and bruised, accompanied by a friend I had thought to be dead who is in love with a machine I had thought to be my friend. Again, how weird is that? And so frakken screwed! I'm hating this more by the minute.

TBC…


	2. Contemplating

_A/N: Thanks for the wonderful feedback!_

**Chapter 2: Contemplating**

Anders is easy. There is no emotional baggage between us, no memories or broken trust. No background. I don't know his life and he doesn't know mine. I don't know about his past mistakes and sins and he knows nothing about mine. It feels liberating.

There are brief moments when I indulge myself with a thought that I might actually stay here and fight with these people. And try to forget about Lee. I could do that. I could give the arrow to Helo and send him home to tell everyone that I could be listed as casualty. He's a decent enough pilot even though he's a Raptor ECO, he would find his way to the fleet.

Except that there's that word that I can't ignore.

Home.

Galactica and the people there is my home and I desperately want to feel being home again. Maybe I could begin to think this place as my home at some point if I live long enough. Or then again, most likely not. I have to admit it, I'm a better fighter up there in space than I'm here on the ground. I can do more good there. Still, I'm very tempted to stay. I wouldn't have to see Lee's angry and hurt eyes anymore. Or the Old Man's. I wouldn't have to try to justify my actions to anybody. Eventually they'd forget about me, probably even sooner than later.

Maybe some day Helo would manage to convince them to send rescue teams to the Colonies to find our kind of rebel fighters. And if it happens that I might still be alive at that point it wouldn't make any difference in one way or the other that I hadn't died like Helo had said. Either they would be happy to see me anyway or it wouldn't matter because they had already moved on long ago and created a new and better family unit on Galactica, one that hadn't included me even from the beginning. And I would be having my own family unit right here, included by people who have never known anybody from aboard Galactica. Maybe life on Galactica would be easier all around without all that emotional confusion me and Lee seem to create whenever we are in each others vicinity, which covers mostly all of our waking hours and even some of the non-waking hours called nightmares.

I can't help it, his presence easies up my night-time anxieties because deep down my unconsciousness finds Lee's mere presence most safe and soothing. And I know he feels the same about me, he's just more stubborn to admit it. There have only been a couple of incidents when he has had to admit that no amount of punching the bag could make him re-gain his composure and that's when he needs my presence the most. And only mine, no one else's. Preferably not even another soul nearby when Lee decides that here is a situation he can't deal with on his own again and that he needs Kara to make it better. And I always seem to make it better somehow. Maybe that has been my greatest skill after all, keeping the CAG sane.

Only that I messed things up pretty good to make sure that Lee never wants me near him again and most certainly not when he's feeling most vulnerable. I try not be jealous when I think who his next confidant would be because in war-time situation we all should be watching each others backs and taking care of each other. So who's going to be watching Lee's back without me there? Who is he going to turn to when he just can't handle everything all by himself anymore and he feels like he's drowning?

His father, who will give him advice but not the silent support and understanding by just being there and listening?

Or maybe Dee? She is a good listener and she can give encouragement and good advice but she lacks the spunk to kick his ass back to motion.

Or maybe there is somebody in the fleet that Lee hasn't met yet who will become his other half and give him all that he needs and deserves from a friend or a lover.

No, still, this scenario sounds all kind of wrongs to me. It still feels that it's my job to keep Lee alive and sane and that there is no one else who I could pass it on to. Who I would even _want_ to pass it on to. There is no one else in the universe because I'm the only one there is and always has been. I don't want there to be anybody else. I want it to be me and only me. Still, what if I just say screw Lee and screw his peace of mind, I'll stay right here and try to build up my own new peace of mind which doesn't include Lee. What's the use, he's lost to me anyway. I saw that in his eyes before he turned away after I said I was sorry. I saw he had started to give up on me.

So, Anders is easy. No demands, no promises, no expectations to live up to. He could help me forget. In time he could even make me forget that life on the ground is sometimes dead boring and that there's nothing better than a Viper and open space to clear you head and make you feel alive again. Yeah, right….

I don't know, maybe he reminds me a bit of Zak and in some twisted way this could be my second chance to know how things would've worked out between me and Zak too. I could get to live that kind of relationship again, this time without any Lee-baggage because Lee is gone and won't be coming to visit for holidays. I know Anders is not Zak or not even any kind of replacement for Zak. He's just similar enough so I could find out if our life ever had any kind of chance in the real world. I know to an outsider this all might sound a bit cold-hearted but to me there's a certain kind of logic to it. In this state of confusion though I may find logic in practically every scenario, no matter how frakked up it really is. Then again, I know who could clear this confusion from my head altogether. The one person who got me into this state in the first place.

TBC…


	3. Hurting

_A/N: This is a short chapter, next one will be longer. Again, thanks for the feedback!_

**Chapter 3: Hurting**

Now that I know that this so called hospital is actually some kind of Cylon facility I can also be fairly sure that Anders never brought me here. And that he's probably not dead either. I feel relieved. I hadn't caused another person I care about to lose his life after all.

How did I get here then? The Cylons were shooting at us and people started to run to the trees but I didn't run. I didn't react in any way. Yes, I had been shot but still I should've been at least trying to escape. So why wasn't I? Did the bullet or whatever the Cylons use to shoot people at include something that made me lose my ability to move or did I just freeze at the feeling of being hit? I'm a trained soldier, I am not supposed to freeze! I don't know what happened, I may never know for sure. So I guess by the time anybody noticed I wasn't running with them the Cylons had already grabbed me and left.

'_Lee never would've left me behind.'_

What? Where did that thought come from? What does Lee have to do with this? Besides, I bet he would've been running for his life just like everybody else.

'_That's bull! He would've dragged me with him, wounded or not, but he never would've left without me. He would've rather died fighting right there by my side.'_

Apparently my subconscious is working in overdrive and sending me these totally weird-ass thoughts. Not that they aren't true though. Now that I think of it Lee wouldn't have left me behind. He wouldn't have left me out of his radar in a situation like that. Anyway, all that is irrelevant because he wasn't there. He is somewhere on the other side of the galaxy and he has no idea that I have ever even been in trouble. Well, truth to be told, if he is thinking about me and my situation at all in his angered mind he has already correctly assumed that I am or at least have been or soon will be in trouble. That's what I do best, get in trouble, and he knows that. Frak, he probably hasn't even wasted a single thought to my direction after I jumped away right there in front of him.

These drugs they have been giving me obviously are making me sentimental. No, can't do that, I have to keep my mind focused on getting out of here. Thinking about Lee sure isn't going to help. I just still wish he were here though. Correction; no I don't. He's an ass and I'm better off without him bitching to me all the time. Yes, and if I tell that to myself often enough I might start to believe it in a hundred years or so.

TBC…


	4. Dreaming

_A/N: This is Kara thinking on her way back to Galactica about a dream she had before leaving Caprica. This chapter has a bit more fluffy-ness than the previous ones and I think this is the direction where the story is finally going. Thank you all for the lovely feedback!_

**Chapter 4: Dreaming**

On my last night on Caprica I had a dream. A dream of Zak. I was sitting with him on the grass on the sidelines of a children's playground where some kid was playing around, pretending to be a pilot. We were talking about everything trivial; the latest pilot wannabees, last weeks Pyramid game, where we would live after we got married. Everyday stuff. Then suddenly Zak got silent and instead of looking at me he followed the playing boy with his gaze.

- Kara, honey, I want you to promise me something, he said with a quiet voice.

- Sure, what's up? Nothing too kinky I hope.

I didn't like the seriousness in his voice and I could feel the air around us to get heavier, like something bad was bound to happen whether I liked it or not.

- Come on love, this is serious. This is something that means a lot to me so promise me, please.

- Zak, don't get so serious. But okay, if it's something that important to you then of course I promise. You know I would do anything for you. Except quit flying.

Zak grinned to my comment. So he hadn't gone totally serious on me after all.

- No, this has nothing to do with your flying. This is all about me. Well, mostly anyway. And okay, it may have something small to do with your flying but trust me, nothing to make you get grounded.

- Fine, fine. Shoot.

- I want you to promise me that if anything ever happens to me you will take care of Lee. Make sure he gets to be happy and that sort of things.

- What the frak are you talking about? What do you mean 'if anything ever happens to you'? Nothing's gonna happen to you.

Right after I said that I had this horrible feeling of certainty that something bad was really going to happen to him.

- Oh, you know, things happen in life….

- Shut up, nothing's going to happen to you and that's final. You should know better than to argue with me about things I know I'm right about. Besides, what about me? Why do you worry so much about Lee's happiness and not mine? I'm offended, I'm not going to talk to you anymore. I don't know if I even want to marry you anymore.

- Who says I haven't already told my brother to look after you?

- Told your brother! TOLD YOUR BROTHER! Do I not have any say in this matter? What if I never want to see his ugly face ever again? Now _that_ is something that would make me happy…. No, I'm not having this conversation. Change the subject. How was the food in the cafeteria today?

- You know how it was, you ate the same food yourself. Come on Kara, please. I need you to promise me this. I need to know that whatever happens in life the two most important people in my life will be happy. Kara, you are strong. You may not always feel it but you are. You feel. Behind that tough exterior of yours you still are close to your emotions and that's why you survive. You handle things and then put them past you. Lee doesn't handle anything that has to do with feelings and emotions. You will have to teach him.

- Me, close to my emotions? Are you insane? I'm definitely not good with handling emotions. I royally suck at it. You of all people should know that.

- I know what I know, probably better than you even realise….

Zak whispered that last sentence and was then quiet for a moment, again looking at the playing boy. The weird comment made me wonder if he after all…. No, there had to be something else behind it. I knew I hadn't let anything show. A cold hand started to squeeze my heart and I could feel fear starting to creep in but I put a stop to it. I was getting very good at controlling everything that went on inside me. I love him and he knows it. End of that.

- So, will you promise me? To take care of Lee?

- Fine, fine, if it makes you happy, I promise. But nothing's going to happen to you so it makes this conversation pointless anyway. Can we now change the subject? Please?

- Soon, I promise. You know I love you, right?

- Yes, I know. And I love you.

- I want you to be happy.

- I AM happy.

- I love Lee too. He's my brother and I'd give anything to make sure he's happy.

- I'm sure he is.

- No, he's not. Hasn't been for a long time. I just wish he could've kept his childhood's enthusiasms and joy about things but he had to grow up too soon. After dad left he felt that as the oldest son he now had to be the man in the house and take care of mom and me. Of course it didn't help that those were the last things dad said to him before he walked out of the door with his things. Dad leaving made Lee forget that he was still supposed to be a little boy. Mom tried so hard to get him to play with the other kids and be a carefree child again but you know Lee, when he's made up his mind about something he won't budge. It was his responsibility to take care of our household and never let me and mom down like dad had done. He was a great big brother but he never just played with me anymore. You know, the kind of playing kids do when they have absolutely no knowledge of what the words 'careful' and 'responsibility' means. Whatever we did he always made sure it was perfectly safe for me and that mom wouldn't have to worry about us.

- Sounds like Lee.

- Yes it does. And it shouldn't. I miss the Lee who tickled me so much I fell down from the bed and hit my head to a table and had a huge bump on my forehead for a week. You know, you are the only one who has managed to make him lose his super-control even for a little while. Even if it is because of your endless fighting and bickering. But you have also made him laugh a lot too and I thank you for that.

- Hey, what can I say, I'm a complex and explosive but lovable person.

- Yes you are. And so is Lee, behind that mask of his. Look at him, he's so happy. I wish he would play like this more often.

I looked around in confusion. When had Lee entered the park?

- What do you mean look? He's not here. There's nobody here but us and that kid playing around.

- What kid? Can't you see? That's Lee and his famous act of a totally hot-shot Viper pilot pulling amazingly bold and brilliant stunts to single-handedly wipe out an entire fleet of Cylon base stars. Oh look, I think he's going to do a spinning free-fall next. I hope he can keep it together this time. Last time he puked on my shoes….

I looked at the kid in confusion and then I looked back at Zak. I was about to make some snarky comment about how the impending wedding day had finally made him lose his marbles when I saw him smile to me a bit sadly.

- Oh, come on Kara. Go on. I know you're dying to go there to show him who's the real hot-shot in this family.

- What are you….?

- Go and play with him. Show him who's who.

- Why won't you come and play with us? I don't want to go there alone. Come on, let's play together, all three of us!

- This is not my game or my playground. This belongs only to you and Lee. Don't worry, I'll be watching though, to make sure you both play nicely. Did you hear me Kara, go on and play nicely and let Lee win a few times too, okay?

I could feel the pull of the playground. The kid there had stopped his running and was in turn watching me, like he was waiting for me to make a decision. Apparently he hadn't puked. Then he turned to look at Zak and with a huge grin on his face started waving wildly to him.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to go and I wanted to stay. I wanted to go there and wipe that grin off that brat's face by showing him my superior super-ultra-cool wipe-the-Cylons-out-of-existance –moves but I was terrified that if I did that I would somehow lose Zak forever. I felt Zak put his hand on my shoulder and gently shove me towards the playground.

- Go. I will love you forever, no matter what. Now it's time to play.

I turned to look at him and saw love and acceptance in his eyes. He already knew what my choice would be. He loved me and he wanted me to go and play and be happy.

Now it was my time to grin widely and so I sprinted towards the kid who was still waiting for me. I spread my arms and ran a circle and when I looked at Zak again it was his turn to look like a ten-year-old. I stopped and found grown-up Lee standing beside me, looking just like he had when I had last seen him on Galactica. He was smiling and with tears in his eyes he was waving to his kid brother. Then he looked at me, still smiling, and took my hand. Suddenly we weren't at the playground anymore but we were standing on Galactica's hangar bay and a small kid who looked a little like Zak was sliding down the wing of a Viper into our waiting arms, screaming with joy. Lee and I smiled to each other and I woke up to the feeling of the kid crashing into our waiting embrace.

I jumped from the bed and I could still feel Lee's firm hand on my back and the boy's little form in my arms. I noticed Anders still sound asleep right there beside me so I silently crept out of bed and out of the door with a blanket in tow. I set myself sitting on a bench nearby. I felt more confused than before. I've always known I haven't got one single maternal instinct in my system, largely thanks to my less than pleasant childhood. I have never wanted to have children. Ever. But now when I can still feel such a strong connection to the child whose touch is still lingering on my memory, it's like my body and my soul remembers him and recognises him as mine. I feel protectiveness so strong that I could rip the head off of anyone who even considers hurting him in any way. It's a shock to realise that after everything I still have these motherly genes hidden somewhere in me after all.

I had already started to let go of the ghost of me and Lee together and started to accept the fact that my destiny lied with someone else. Was it really Zak trying to send me a message and if it was what was the message really about? That he wanted me to kid around with Lee and make him laugh and happy but then remember how much he loved me? Or was he trying to tell me that it is okay to feel what I feel and that he thinks me and Lee would make each other happy? Or am I finally loosing my mind altogether thinking my dead fiancée is sending me some other-worldly messages in my dreams? I had no idea; I was feeling clueless to everything. But what I did know was that no matter how tired I was I could not go back to sleep in the same bed or even in the same room with Anders. I cared for him but I was not meant to stay with him. Zak had reminded me of that. My destiny was elsewhere.

So when we left in the morning I felt sad for leaving him and all those people because they had shown me with their spirit and care that the human race is still very much alive and kicking but I was also anxious to get home. That made me feel a little guilty because Anders had cared for me and he had shown me that I was still capable of feeling affection and not only this all-consuming numbness I had been feeling ever since I made my hasty retreat from Baltar's quarters. But when the hatch of the Raider closed behind me all I could feel was relief of finally getting out of that destroyed and desolate planet and anxiousness of getting home. I would miss these people and I really want to go back to get every living human being out of there but now I just want to go home.

TBC…


	5. Fearing

_A/N: One chapter and the epilogue left after this. Short one, I know, and so will be the next one. Loving the feedback _

**Chapter 5: Fearing**

This impending homecoming is making my stomach turn and it's not just the usual FTL sickness. What will I say to Lee? Or to the old man? Will I be able to look them in the eyes? Will they even want to see me?

I keep having this nightmarish image in my head. I step out of the Raider and first I see no one. Then I see only marines with guns pointing at me. I see a glimpse of Lee but before I get to say anything to him he leaves the bay without even looking at my direction. On his way out he orders the marines to escort everyone coming out of the Raider straight to the brig. He doesn't even say my name.

When I'm in the brig the old man comes to see me but he doesn't talk to me either, just stares at me disappointedly. After he leaves no one I know comes to visit me and I'm just left there all alone to shout at the walls how sorry I am that I disappointed everybody but that I'm disappointed at them too because Adama never should've lied to me and Lee was never supposed to give up on me no matter how much I screwed things up. They were supposed to be my family, my lifelines, and you always stick with your family. Always.

I know I let them down, especially Lee in more ways than just leaving. But they also let me down, Adama with lying and Lee… well, let's just say that some things were said that I'd rather not have heard at all, especially not from him. If I only knew what made him react so strongly and angrily... Knowing Lee he probably doesn't know the answer to that himself either. So no point in asking. I'm just wondering which one of us will first start to fix things because we can't leave things like this. I refuse to believe that these relationships are beyond fixing. We may not be able to talk about it for a long time but we can't stay angry with each other. I have to believe that. It doesn't stop me from being scared to death though.

TBC…


	6. Melting

_AIN: It has been so much fun to write this story! Only the epilogue left after this chapter._

**Chapter 6: Melting**

I step down from our transport and start walking along a long corridor. I don't really know this ship but I assume someone has to meet me at some point and point me to the right direction. I turn the corner and see an open hatch. Lords, I feel so tired I can hardly move my feet. I walk towards the hatch but when I hear nothing I almost pass it thinking there must be no one there. And then I turn and I see him and all I can do is smile. Smile to the sight of his beautiful face and to my own stupidity. How could I have ever thought I could forget this man who holds my heart and determines my existence? My life would've been less than half-life without him in it. No matter how much he resents me for leaving or how frakked up our relationship is at the moment, he is the reason I can get through another day of fighting.

I hadn't expected him to be here to welcome me home. I am more than happy that he is. I see him smile and the next moment I am in his arms and I am truly home. Oh Lords please, let this last forever! At lest he seems to be happy to see me so I think he can't be too angry with me. I feel like something inside me is melting. His next move, I _so_ didn't see that coming. This is Lee Adama, call-sign Apollo, the Lord of Control and Proper Conduct and he's kissing me! And of course the practical me that has been momentarily suppressed by the feeling of Lee's hands around me have to choose this moment to break free and spoil the perfectly beautiful moment by reminding me that there might actually be other people in the room too _and_ that there is more people coming after me.

The display of emotions and affection becomes a bit too public for me and I panic, at the same time wondering why Lee hasn't already started panicking because he obviously knows about the other people in the room. I make a bit more me-like comment and the man knows me so well and his mind works in so many ways in tune with mine that he knows we really need to lighten the situation somehow. Too much and too public for both of our liking. Then I see him getting very confused like he doesn't really know what he just did and especially why he did it but still he doesn't take his hands off my waist. It's like his body and subconscious are telling him something his mind hasn't figured out yet. I can see his mind is trying to work this out but still he does what _feels_ right without completely giving in to reason. And for finally letting himself just act on the feeling I love him even more.

Now I know where the melting feeling came from. It was the rest of my confusions melting away from my mind. In this time and place, I know who I belong to.

TBC…


	7. Living: The epilogue

_A/N: Well, this is the end then. This chapter goes AU, obviously._

_I want to thank you all for reading this story and especially for giving me wonderful feedback!_

**Epilogue; 10 months later: Living**

The Raptor lands on Galactica hangar bay. I feel my hands get sweaty. I'm nervous, almost as nervous as I was before my wedding ceremony a few weeks back.

From the moment I flew away from Caprica I knew I would meet Anders again someday. I just hadn't expected it to take this long. After all that happened on Kobol we were on a constant run from the Cylons for a long time. Only after it had been fairly calm for a couple of weeks we dared to start thinking about other things than fighting. Like the wedding which was actually worse for my nerves than the fighting had ever been. And the rescue party I had promised. We knew it was risky and might lead the Cylons to the fleet's whereabouts which is why we made some precautions and left only one ship with a voluntary crew to the rendezvous point. Not the Galactica though.

I know I kind of broke my promise to Anders twice when I first was not part of the rescue team and then I was not even welcoming them on the Astral Queen, which had been waiting at the rendezvous point. I had had no choice in the matter, it had been a team effort to keep me from going. My darling husband had started the notion, doc Cottle had made a strong suggestion and finally the Commander had finalized the deal. It was presented to me as to either accept it or get sent to the brig right away to be released after the team had left. I know I ought to have been mad as hell but I just couldn't. I owed it to Lee to stay behind.

He knows about Anders, of course. To love and honor also means no big secrets. Actually he had already guessed something after I told about the survivors on Caprica and from Helo's odd comments now and then but he waited for me to tell him. I was so scared of something similar happening like after that thing with Baltar that I actually cooked up a big fat lie but in the end I knew that lying would just make things worse and come bite me in the ass someday so I just sat him down and told him the whole truth. I was so proud of him that I actually shed a couple of tears when he after closing his eyes for a moment and taking a few deep breaths eventually told me that it doesn't matter to him anymore because he knows that he has all of me now. I decided then and there that I wasn't going to be joining the future rescue team. I don't want him to ever be uncertain of me again.

I didn't see the need for exchanging any rings or wedding wows and frankly neither did Lee. The whole ceremony was for a greater cause, as the Commander so eloquently put it. He explained that not only would the ceremony make our relationship better accepted in the eyes of the military, it would also give a much needed morale boost throughout the whole fleet. It would show the civilians that even Viper pilots, their defenders, still dared to plan their lives ahead and create real relationships. And the huge party which was extended to every ship didn't hurt either.

Me and Lee, we guessed very early on that the one who actually needed the ceremony was the Commander himself. He was getting softer after being forced to face his own mortality. We saw it the minute we told him about our relationship. His eyes and a small smile showed that he started to plan the wedding right away and envision his proud double part as the father who would first give up the blushing bride and then stand by his son and keep him from fainting. Lee just never threatened to faint and I refused to blush. I stumbled while the walk and stuttered with the words but. I. Did. Not. Blush.

When we danced our first dance as a married couple we saw the looks on both the Commander's and the President's face. It was so smug it made as laugh at their apparent self-satisfaction. Evidently they both thought that this was all their doing and they were being very proud of themselves. Like me and Lee had nothing to do with this wedding or relationship happening, it was all orchestrated by them. Anyway, it was nice to know that we had given them something to be happy about and it made us feel a bit more comfortable with our "public humiliation". We tried to tolerate the party, without much success, until we could sneakily escape to our honeymoon quarters. Some honeymoon, 36 hours leave and then back to fly the CAP.

Well, the leave was longer than we had expected but the humiliation part lasted for days. We were referred as "the glowing newlyweds" or "the blissfully happy young couple" by our pilots and the deck crew gave us not so subtle glances and nods towards vacant storage rooms after our flight shifts. It lasted until I almost decked Jammer and Lee put Kat to the brig for two days for being 'unrespectful towards her commanding officers'. He should've thought of a better charge, I know. Well, that put a stop to it, mostly anyway, and Kat ended up spending two hours in the brig instead of two days and Jammer got a scare of his life but not a bloody nose. After that, we were left alone. I guess everybody just wanted to check out if the marital status had melted our brains somehow. They were pushing their luck to the limit, I say.

The Raptor door opening cuts my thoughts. Helo comes out first and right behind him the man I am dreading to meet. I try to plaster a happy welcoming smile to my face but I know it looks fake. Nevertheless, I am happy to see him alive and well and with so many other survivors.

- Kara? Kara! Thank the Lords you're alright! I was sure something had happened to you when I didn't see you with the rescue team but then Helo told me that you would be meeting me here with the rest of the fleet. Why didn't you come? You promised. I was waiting for you.

Anders runs to me and he encloses me to a tight embrace. I hug him back but then I think he senses my reluctance to stay in the embrace and he lets me go. He still holds me by my shoulders though.

- Hey. It's so good to see you're alright. I'm sorry I couldn't be there with the team but it was out of my hands. It was either brig or consent and that ultimatum came directly from the Commander with some help from the doctor. And since I already know the insides of the brig more intimately than I care to admit….

- Doctor? Are you injured?

- What? No, no injuries now, just … something. So tell me, how is Caprica these days?

In my nervousness I slipped out something that I really didn't intend to say so I needed to change the subject fast.

- Caprica is…. dead. I guess that's a right word to describe it. We sent search parties to as far as we could to try and find other survivors but we came up almost empty. One party found a small group of campers who also had found meds and food from some ruined city but that was it. We lost a few but we managed. Fortunately one of the campers was a trained nurse. And we waited for you. I waited for you.

He moves his hands from my shoulders down to my arms and looks at me from head to toes. Then he takes my hands in his and my gut reaction is to pull away from his touch. That's when he notices the slim band on my left hand and he squeezes my hands tighter.

- What is this?

I know I look as uncomfortable as I feel. I had hoped to tell him about this more gently but my way has always been more in the line of direct confrontation so I just blurt it out.

- Hmm, this? Well, you know it's actually kind of funny and it just sort of happened… You see, I got married.

I aim for a grin but it comes out as a weird quirk. Anders lets go of my hands as if they are burning him and he takes a step back.

- You what?

I'm silently praying for Lee to come and rescue me from this but I know he won't. I made him swear to me he let me handle this all by myself. What an idiot I was…

- I… ah… well, you see, there's this… I mean the marriage part was a bit of a surprise for me, but…

- This is… Frak! Just tell me one thing. Did you already love this guy back then… back in Caprica? Or is this a new thing or something?

I feel nauseous and I want to look anywhere but in his eyes but I owe to him, as well as to myself and Lee, to make this matter clear here and now. So I watch him straight to the eyes and take a deep breath.

- Yes, I did already love him.

- Then why? Why were you playing around with me if you already were in love with another man?

- Things were complicated and I was very confused. I think we both were, me and him I mean. But I still loved him. I had loved him for a very long time already. I thought that I had finally frakked things up completely to loose him forever but it was a relief to notice that I hadn't after all. I know this isn't much of an excuse but it's the only one I have. I'm very sorry I hurt you. I never meant to because believe it or not I really cared for you and you meant a lot to me. I hope you believe that. Some day I would very much like you to get to know my husband and then we could tell the whole story to you but I guess for now it is a bit too much to ask, from either one of you.

The man in front of me is quiet for a long time but he still looks at me. Then he looks past me, scans the crowd behind me and finally makes a small nod. I know Lee is standing there somewhere close observing this reunion. Not because he is jealous but just in case this guy isn't that much of a great guy I have assured him to be. So I guess it isn't that hard for Anders to figure out who my husband is. He just needs to find the one man who doesn't even try to hide the fact that he isn't going to leave his wife out of his sight. Apparently the man in front of me receives some sign of acknowledgment because he turns his eyes back to mine.

- Well, what else is there to say then? There's no point in me making a scene here because your husband there would probably break my neck himself or have me shot if I as much as raise my voice too much.

- Nah, he knows he wouldn't have to. I would do it myself.

- I bet you would. Wow, this was definitely not the way I had figured our reunion to happen. It included a lot more hugging, some kissing and maybe even a few tears of joy. Well, I'm happy you're happy and that you got what you wanted in life. Lords know it's not an easy achievement in this world these days.

- Yes, I am very happy.

- So what will I be calling you by then? Is it still Kara Thrace?

- Well, yes. Officially it's Lieutenant Thrace-Adama now but everybody still calls me Thrace. You know, to avoid any confusions.

- And your husband's name is…?

- Captain Lee Adama, Commander of Air Group aka CAG.

- If I get this correct he's your superior officer _and_ your commander. Wow Thrace, that's….

- Stop it right there. He's a great CAG and he has earned everyone's respect, including mine. But everybody also knows that I just _let_ him act all superior. Besides, I made him a promise that I would at least try to behave and be respectful when there are other people in the room. Good news is that he has sent me to the brig only once since I got back so I must be learning something.

- He sent you to the brig? He's your husband, that's not….

- Hey, the deal is that if I show disrespect in a wrong situation he doesn't have to show any respect to me either. Bottom line is that he's the CAG and I'm one of his pilots and I'm supposed to behave whether he's my husband or not. Will it make it better if I tell you that he spent the night in the next sell so that I didn't have to sleep alone?

- Why the next sell, why not with you?

- Come on, this is a Battlestar, we do not have group parties in our sells, at least not THAT kind of parties… Besides, there's a guard….

- Right, right. So, I guess I'll be seeing you around then.

- Yes you will, probably sooner than later.

I don't believe for a minute that Anders has been pining after me as much as he insinuates. When Anders was scanning to see who my husband was I saw some girl I didn't recognise in the group of survivors give me dirty looks. The kind of looks I know I would be giving if I saw someone flirting with Lee. I just probably wouldn't leave it to just giving the looks. I know I know, I'm a bad person, he's gorgeous and I get a little jealous sometimes. Something in the hormones, I think….

At first I thought I might feel something resembling jealousy because hey, I'm a woman, and Anders was supposed to be left feeling devastated after I left and not just jump to the next chick, but the feeling stays away. So there truly is nothing there anymore. It's really all Lee's, all there is inside me.

These new people are good fighters and with proper training they will get better. The fleet needs them. I know it will probably be Lee himself to approach first Anders and then the others. Lee wants to let Anders know that he doesn't feel intimidated by his presence and that he is ready to take the first step. Also it doesn't hurt that if Anders ever considers a career as a pilot he would already know who the boss is going to be. The identity of the instructor on the other hand might be good to be left as a surprise though.

I turn my back to my one-time lover and walk towards my husband's waiting embrace. I don't turn to look if Anders is still watching because he probably is and it doesn't matter. Right now I just want a hug and a kiss from my husband, screw the crowd and protocol.

Relief is washing through me and I can feel the tight knot in my stomach loosen. I survived this and nobody even got any permanent physical or psychological damage. The feeling of relief is so powerful that I feel there is nothing I can't deal with. Then I remember the reason why doc Cottle was involved in all this and the knot comes straight back. Oh crap. It will take a lot more than one hug and a kiss to make it go away again. Zak was so totally wrong. The promise he made me do in my dream got me grounded after all. Oh well, the blame is all on him then.

THE END


End file.
